Our social worker came tonight for our home study and Angie's individual interview, and she was here for about two and a half hours. Because of the age of our house, we have to test for lead paint, and we need to get a carbon monoxide detector. Angie's interview was a long one. When asked how I (Angie) deal with grief, I started off with shallow, flippant answers and then the flood gates opened. That little cry did me good.
Stan's interview is in Raleigh on the 18th, and then our social worker has 30 days to write up the home study, run it by us, have it approved by her supervisor, have it approved by the state director, and then we're on a list of waiting families. I'll finish our profile book in the meantime, have the social worker approve it online, and have it printed. I'm estimating that our profile book will be shown starting in late September.
I have to give a shout out to Stan on the blog today. School has begun for me, so I've had a pretty exhausting week (without air on Wednesday! whew!). When I came home today for the interview, the house was spotless, people . . . spotless!! You've done it now, honey. Now I know you can clean.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
The Next Thing
We had our first family assessment meeting with our social worker, and it lasted over two hours. She asked direct questions and seemed really to hear us. After listening to us both discuss our views on trans-racial adoption, she made the call that Stan is ready for that, but Angie is not. For me (Angie), that was actually a load off because I've been feeling the pressure to make that decision. She didn't close the door by any means and recommended several books for us to read.
We have our home visit on Thursday, August 12. She'll meet with our pastor and then come over to the house to check for safety issues. Then we'll have individual interviews some time later in August. And then . . . and then . . . we'll be on the waiting list. Yeeehaaaw. She reminded us that we are not in competition with the other waiting families but rather that God has already planned the family he will create when we are "matched" with the birth parents. Bethany does not do the pairing; birth parents are shown profile books of the families that match their needs and desires. For example, our profile book (one we're making on Shutterfly) might be shown to Caucasian birth parents who want an open adoption and who have a family medical history that matches the list Stan and I agreed upon.
We have our home visit on Thursday, August 12. She'll meet with our pastor and then come over to the house to check for safety issues. Then we'll have individual interviews some time later in August. And then . . . and then . . . we'll be on the waiting list. Yeeehaaaw. She reminded us that we are not in competition with the other waiting families but rather that God has already planned the family he will create when we are "matched" with the birth parents. Bethany does not do the pairing; birth parents are shown profile books of the families that match their needs and desires. For example, our profile book (one we're making on Shutterfly) might be shown to Caucasian birth parents who want an open adoption and who have a family medical history that matches the list Stan and I agreed upon.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Family Assessment
Finally! Our Family Assessment, what most agencies call the Home Study, begins today. We got a call from Bethany on Monday saying that all our paperwork is in and that we need to schedule three meetings. Ironically, we've been off all summer, school is about to start, and we now need to schedule weekday meetings. Angie goes back to work this Wednesday, August 4, so we squeezed in the first meeting for today, Tuesday, August 3. One of the main purposes of today's meeting is to make some big decisions regarding our infant adoption service plan and openness options. All that translates into this: What are our preferences for age, physical impairments, mental impairments, family medical history, and level of openness with the the birth parents? We have filled out a questionnaire of YES, NO, and WILL CONSIDER for issues like these:
Birth mother is a victim of incest.
Birth parents have a criminal history.
Birth mother lacked consistent medical care.
Placement is multiple births.
We want to involve the birth parents in naming the child.
We had no idea all of these issues were involved, so the process has been interesting. We've gone back to the questionnaire over the past few months as we've learned more about the benefits of open adoption and the nature of children whose parents abused drugs prior to pregnancy, etc. We felt comfortable saying YES to issues that our own biological children may have had (anxiety, attention deficit, etc.) and are more and more comfortable with WILL CONSIDER than we used to be on issues such as contact with the birth parents.
We're going to Raleigh today to meet with our social worker, and then we'll go to Raleigh once more. Finally, she will come here to see our home and check it for safety. We may actually have to install the three smoke detectors that have been sitting in our laundry room.
Birth mother is a victim of incest.
Birth parents have a criminal history.
Birth mother lacked consistent medical care.
Placement is multiple births.
We want to involve the birth parents in naming the child.
We had no idea all of these issues were involved, so the process has been interesting. We've gone back to the questionnaire over the past few months as we've learned more about the benefits of open adoption and the nature of children whose parents abused drugs prior to pregnancy, etc. We felt comfortable saying YES to issues that our own biological children may have had (anxiety, attention deficit, etc.) and are more and more comfortable with WILL CONSIDER than we used to be on issues such as contact with the birth parents.
We're going to Raleigh today to meet with our social worker, and then we'll go to Raleigh once more. Finally, she will come here to see our home and check it for safety. We may actually have to install the three smoke detectors that have been sitting in our laundry room.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Out of Control
This is just a quick note to say that we're stalled. We've been waiting for over two months for our last piece of paperwork to be filled out. Apparently, the person to whom we sent it didn't receive it, and Bethany had to send another. I think the theme of this whole experience has been CONTROL. Essentially, I don't have any. Neither does Stan. We've done our last heart-wrenching, hormone-ravaging round of fertility treatments, and we're done. Our hearts, wallets, and bodies are just finished. I think we have grieved this "ending" as much as we grieved our miscarriage. Thankfully, thankfully, thankfully, we know a God who has the big picture.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
A Short Hurdle
The last little thing we have to do on our end is attend an infant care class, and today's the day. The Women's Hospital is allowing us to step into one class in a series of workshops on birthing and child care, so we'll be in class for two hours this afternoon. Then we mail off that last signature and start the home study process. We expect to be on a waiting list by the end of the summer.
What a process. On Monday, I have an appointment with Dr. Yalcincaya, our wonderful reproductive endocrinologist. I'll have an ultrasound to check out what's going on. For the last week, I've been giving myself shots and taking pills. Last night, our power went out right at the time I had to prepare the syringe and give myself the shot, so Stan held his phone up so that I could get enough light to see what I was doing. At one point, I thought, Really? Are we supposed to go through this much to be parents? Blue Cross won't cover this last round of meds, so I've paid out about $900 for the medication.
June will be it for us. Six years. Three surgeries. Miscarriage. Rounds of meds and procedures. Ironically, I've become much more excited about adoption than pregnancy; I don't think of it as our second choice but rather as an adventure. God is good, and I believe he is still at the podium, orchestrating it all.
What a process. On Monday, I have an appointment with Dr. Yalcincaya, our wonderful reproductive endocrinologist. I'll have an ultrasound to check out what's going on. For the last week, I've been giving myself shots and taking pills. Last night, our power went out right at the time I had to prepare the syringe and give myself the shot, so Stan held his phone up so that I could get enough light to see what I was doing. At one point, I thought, Really? Are we supposed to go through this much to be parents? Blue Cross won't cover this last round of meds, so I've paid out about $900 for the medication.
June will be it for us. Six years. Three surgeries. Miscarriage. Rounds of meds and procedures. Ironically, I've become much more excited about adoption than pregnancy; I don't think of it as our second choice but rather as an adventure. God is good, and I believe he is still at the podium, orchestrating it all.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Training #2
We spent four hours on Monday with the Raleigh Bethany staff discussing child placement and the considerations we must make when deciding the ethnicity, age, and special needs of the child we may add to our family. Again, I was discouraged to learn that the oldest adoptive parent this office has dealt with was 46. On the other hand, I was encouraged by the staff's unwavering commitment to the children. They are the first priority. We learned that, currently, BCS in North Carolina "closes" 20 to 25 adoptions per year and that the intake of committed birthmothers is close to the number of waiting families. After this meeting, I'm now going to work on changing some of my adoption language. Bethany does not use the phrase "gave up for adoption" because it indicates abandonment, not doing what is best for a child. Birthmothers are asked if they are ready to "parent the child," not "keep the child." There's a very different commitment level with the change of just one word!
There were considerations that I had never even thought of; for example, an older birthmother--the oldest for Raleigh was 43--is likely to have other children, possibly full siblings of our child. An open adoption would mean having some type of communication with those children. I'm finding myself more and more interested in open adoption, and I never thought I would be. The staff at Bethany allows us to make our own decision about closed, semi-open, or open; so there is no pressure or stress there, but research indicates that de-mystifying adoption mitigates some of the fantasizing our child might do about what his or her biological parents are like. It cuts out the "What if my child wants to know more" fear. Semi-open adoption could mean letters and pictures (through Bethany) once a year. Open adoption could mean our child knowing his or her birthmother and thinking of her as a sort of distant aunt.
There were considerations that I had never even thought of; for example, an older birthmother--the oldest for Raleigh was 43--is likely to have other children, possibly full siblings of our child. An open adoption would mean having some type of communication with those children. I'm finding myself more and more interested in open adoption, and I never thought I would be. The staff at Bethany allows us to make our own decision about closed, semi-open, or open; so there is no pressure or stress there, but research indicates that de-mystifying adoption mitigates some of the fantasizing our child might do about what his or her biological parents are like. It cuts out the "What if my child wants to know more" fear. Semi-open adoption could mean letters and pictures (through Bethany) once a year. Open adoption could mean our child knowing his or her birthmother and thinking of her as a sort of distant aunt.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Signing the Contract
Bethany sent us the Adoption Services Contract with a breakdown of the costs. Because Bethany is a non-profit that covers overhead expenses through donations, the agency is able to using a sliding scale to determine the costs for the adopting family. The rule of thumb is 20% of the combined family income plus any birthparent expenses that come up (hospital costs, lawyer fees, etc.). Now that I know where the money goes (like counseling and lifetime follow up with the birthparents), the amount seems so small.
On Monday, May 17, we are heading to Raleigh for our second training session. The only thing we have left to do on our end is attend an infant parenting class through any local hospital or agency. (I smiled to myself today thinking of the care Bethany takes in making sure the children they place receive the best care possible.) Once we have taken the class, we'll begin our home study. I am more than ready to get past the paperwork and be placed on a waiting list, but I would imagine God wants to refine us through the process, not just the result, and show us Who He is.
On Monday, May 17, we are heading to Raleigh for our second training session. The only thing we have left to do on our end is attend an infant parenting class through any local hospital or agency. (I smiled to myself today thinking of the care Bethany takes in making sure the children they place receive the best care possible.) Once we have taken the class, we'll begin our home study. I am more than ready to get past the paperwork and be placed on a waiting list, but I would imagine God wants to refine us through the process, not just the result, and show us Who He is.
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