We spent four hours on Monday with the Raleigh Bethany staff discussing child placement and the considerations we must make when deciding the ethnicity, age, and special needs of the child we may add to our family. Again, I was discouraged to learn that the oldest adoptive parent this office has dealt with was 46. On the other hand, I was encouraged by the staff's unwavering commitment to the children. They are the first priority. We learned that, currently, BCS in North Carolina "closes" 20 to 25 adoptions per year and that the intake of committed birthmothers is close to the number of waiting families. After this meeting, I'm now going to work on changing some of my adoption language. Bethany does not use the phrase "gave up for adoption" because it indicates abandonment, not doing what is best for a child. Birthmothers are asked if they are ready to "parent the child," not "keep the child." There's a very different commitment level with the change of just one word!
There were considerations that I had never even thought of; for example, an older birthmother--the oldest for Raleigh was 43--is likely to have other children, possibly full siblings of our child. An open adoption would mean having some type of communication with those children. I'm finding myself more and more interested in open adoption, and I never thought I would be. The staff at Bethany allows us to make our own decision about closed, semi-open, or open; so there is no pressure or stress there, but research indicates that de-mystifying adoption mitigates some of the fantasizing our child might do about what his or her biological parents are like. It cuts out the "What if my child wants to know more" fear. Semi-open adoption could mean letters and pictures (through Bethany) once a year. Open adoption could mean our child knowing his or her birthmother and thinking of her as a sort of distant aunt.
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